Thursday, November 15, 2012

My Orange Notebook

You know how sometimes there are some things in life that you wish to shout out about but you have to hold yourself back due to circumstances. Yup. Am having one of those. And no, i'm not pregnant (yet). LOL!

They say, when something bad or unfortunate happens, it means that God is preparing you for something greater. Maybe it's true. In life, we come across many different people from all walks of life, be it our own blood or otherwise. I believe that these people are puppets around you, influencing your thoughts, actions, perceptions and defining moments in your life. It doesn't matter what is it that they do to you. What's more important is how YOU react to them. It has not been easy for me, to deal with highly opinionated and stubborn individuals, BUT I take it as a challenge. If I can handle them and get through these challenging times, then I can face anything that comes along.

When I was 17, I was quite a depressed teen. However, I tend to mask my feelings with that "sunshine" persona. Recently, while cleaning up my room, I came across an old orange notebook. It was a little diary I used to carry along in my bag. I wrote my deepest thoughts and feelings in it.

I cried while reading it. Felt so melancholic cos I could feel the exact emotions I had when I was writing that very entry. There I was, a clueless 17 year old at the crossroads of my life. A girl who didn't knew where she was heading and what she was going to do with her life. Written on 29 November, 2001, it documented one of the lowest moments in my life. Let me share with you this very personal diary entry...

"Don't take life for granted" is one of the many clich├ęd lines about life that one might say. I personally agree to this infamous quote. My life of 17 years has been a rather difficult one. Sometimes there were the ups and down but I think that mine was much more of a downhill.

Being a teenager is a period that all of us have to go through and during this period of of growing phase, we go through many changes in life and have to make all the the important decisions that might lead to what we are going to be one day. Decision making is definitely not easy and so far, I have many "wrong" decisions that I sometimes quite regret. Confusion is a disease that all of us face. Deciding between a few options or choices is really mind boggling, as often these decisions might lead to the outcome of our emotional and physical self.

If you have made a good decision, you'd probably end up happy and contented with what you opted for. But if what you choose is something that you will end up regretting, only then you would blame yourself for not being careful and thinking twice before pushing the decision button. Right now, I'm all so confused about my life. I do not know where my direction is right now and it feels as if I'm flying around in the middle of nowhere. 

Somehow, I was never contented with what I have. I keep looking for the meaning of life but my quest for the answer has yet to be found. I feel so directionless, confused and uncertain of what lies ahead. Maybe it's due to my fickleness, a sickness that has been haunting me since I was a kid. I keep listening to too many people and I would often change my mind about something after hearing their opinions.

I'm still searching for what I want in my life. Often, I would say happiness. But I realise that is not the only thing that I would want to own. I might only be 17 but life has not been so nice to me. I dropped out of school because I lost interest in what I was doing. I joined FSV in NP just because I couldn't get into Mass Comm due to my silly English grade. I wasted so many months just waiting to start school and in the end, I just got tired of the too technical nature of the course. 

I know that I've always wanted to be a public figure, maybe a radio DJ, a newscaster or even a successful businesswoman with a high profile. I just want to be recognized by society one day. But the problem is, I don't know how the hell am I supposed to get there..

People say that in life, we tend to make mistakes and we learn from it. But, I'm too tired of making the same mistakes over and over again. I wonder why life is unfair but I know there'd be no answer to that question. I just pray and hope that there would be a rainbow waiting for me after the storm. My patience is running out and I'm afraid that I might just break out one day and turn into a mad cap. 

For now I'm just taking one day at a time, thinking through about many more decision making that lies ahead of me. Education wise, love life, marriage, my ever changing career path and my conquest to eternal happiness. Maybe there is a moral to all that has been happening in my life since the day I was born. Why do I get to lead such a life? Why don't I get to live with my parents? Why am I so confused and fickle? Why am I always searching for happiness? Why do I make wrong moves in my life? Why? Why? Why?

Maybe one day, all these questions that have been bugging me would finally be answered one fine day... Maybe there is a happy ending to my so called life..."


That was a very emo entry for a 17 year old. Looking back, I did went through alot to get to where I am today. I got what I prayed for. A job that I love. A loving husband. A beautiful son. A little empire of happy souls. A life that I wished for when I was 17. Masya'Allah. God is great. However, the journey is still ongoing and today I'm faced with even greater challenges. The difference is, I am even more ready to face it, with a more positive outlook. 

If you're 17 and reading this, maybe you can relate to my entry. It's ok to feel lost and down about what you're going through. Because that's just how life is. I was 17 and CLUELESS about my life. Continue to have faith in your dreams because that is all that matters. If you believe strongly in something that you want to achieve badly, then you will, INSYA'ALLAH. 

I'm now 28, with even bigger dreams and hopes. I will continue to pen those dreams down in my little notebook and perhaps, 10 years down the road, all that I wished for today will be a reality. Insya'Allah. 

Have faith my friends. Have faith.

For Allah is GREAT and He will NEVER forsake us and our dreams. :)

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