fighting for my parachute

And I will fight till my last breath. for what is right and for what is best for us.... Oh ALLAH, please give me the strength I need and the courage to hold on...

If it's meant to be then it shall, forever be.  

dream. B I G.

Saw this on facebook and it hit me, right on. How true. We often complain about how unfair life is and how terrible our life can be. We dare not dream for the sky because we are afraid of falling hard and hurting ourselves. We frown more often at the mishaps and shortcomings because it's easier to be grumpy. We seldom count of blessings because to us, it's not that many. 

When i was younger, all i wanted was to be a radio DJ and to be RICH. Well, i got the first one, but am still on the road to the second one. However, along the way, i realise that being rich is not that easy. As adults, we are tied down to so many commitments. This responsibility that we undertake may kill our dreams and spirit towards what we have always dreamed of. 

I've always been a dreamer. And i often get laughed at when i was younger. But it made me stronger. I have this urge to always prove to myself that i can do it. I can achieve things that people think I'm incapable of. Of course there were many moments i felt like giving up, like everything else in this world in against me. I cry, but not too long. When I'm down, i force myself to think of things that i should be thankful for. I count my blessings because it makes me feel better about things. I feel that one of the key to happiness is to learn how to count our blessings.  

Man is fond of counting his troubles, but he does not count his joys. If he counted them up as he ought to, he would see that every lot has enough happiness provided for it. ~Fyodor Dostoevsky

Count your blessings. Too often, we grumble over life's stresses, troubles, complaints and frustrations. Instead, try to look for the sweeter things in your life, like your loved ones and also a job that pays the bills. 

Count the laughter. One of the greatest and simplest health remedies is laughter. Find things or people that make you laugh and smile. It takes the blues away and would definitely make you a happier person. Cos studies have shown that happier people and those who laugh often, tend to live a longer and more fulfilling life. While you're at it, laugh at your own seriousness. Whatever has you emotionally tied in knots is not worth the stress. Laugh it off! Smile on purpose, no matter what you're dealing with. It will make you feel better.

Count the moments. Spend a few minutes before you go to sleep in thankfulness. Consciously recall all the simple pleasures of your day.  I practice this with my partner. We try our best to make time for small talk right before we fall asleep. Be thankful even for the littlest of things. It makes you a more contented being. 

When we feel love and gratitude, it is impossible for us to be negative, so make this a habit, to raise your energy level and lift you out of the negative state. It's a matter of changing our attitudes towards a more positive one. 

I'm thankful for my awesome family who are so close-knit despite our differences. My family is king for random outings. But it's the effort that i appreciate the most. Each one of us does our best to make time for random outings. Thank you cousins, nephews and nieces for putting aside time for the family. You know i love you all like crazy. 

I'm thankful for having good friends who are there for me when I need their company. I knew these girls since i was 13 and i can still laugh and have a good meaningful conversation with them despite not hanging out as often. 

I'm thankful for having a job that I love so much. A chilldhood dream come true. 

I'm thankful for having the best husband in the world who adores me and always does his best to put me first before himself. I'm thankful for my two boys who never fail to make me smile and proud as a mother. These people are the reason that keeps me going each day. 

Alhamdulillah. Life is good. But i can't wait for it to get even better. 

Someday, insya'Allah. 

It's ok to dream BIG my friends. You just gotta have faith in that dream. =)

i think i am phat. do you?

You look at celebrities and wonder, how can anyone be so gorgeous and perfect.. the nice toned/slim body, thick luscious hair, silky smooth skin.. unrealistic perfection basically. Well, i feel you. We then gloat in self-pity and wonder why am i not like them? I believe that God is fair. He creates us the way we are for a very much valid reason. Ok. Got the point. So, what am i trying to say? Well ladies, it's ok to look at other "perfect" females with envy. BUT! not too much till it leads to self-destruction.

I'm in an industry where the skinny and pretty get to go a little bit further that those with a little bit more flesh. Find me a CHUBBY female hosting a LOCAL tv show. Hmmmmmmmmm.... None that i can recall. I don't act, nor do i sing. But hosting is something that i enjoy. That's why i enjoy my job in radio. I get HEARD and not SEEN as much. Having said that, one of the things that i somehow hope to do before i retire from the industry is to host a Travelogue of some sort. BUT! i'm not skinny! nor am i gorgeous. So, how like that? Ah wells.

I gained 22kg when i was pregnant. To date, i have lost 15kg, which means i need to lose 7 more to be back to my pre-pregnancy/wedding weight. It seems like a challenge, especially with the newfound role as a mother. I miss exercising. I miss sweating buckets and stepping out of the gym feeling like you've accomplished something. I'm not a morning person and having to wake up in the middle of the night for feeds is still a challenge. This interupted sleep for the past 4 months has turned me into a zombie in the mornings. Once Ashayr starts sleeping through the night, perhaps i can get back on track and go full force on my workouts.

When it comes to food, surprisingly, i dont eat alot. My friends can vouch that for me. But i have this weird body system where i can diet like crazy and still put on weight. For me, the key is EXERCISE. So here i am gloating about how fat i feel and that it's all back to square one. It's just a phase. I know i'll get over it. Somehow, marriage makes you a little complacent. I admit. Heh. BUT, i am to be a hot mummy and shall therefore continue striving towards a healthier lifestyle and a slimmer physique. It may seem like a daunting journey, but i know i'll get through it. I was a size 20 at one point and dropped till a size 10. And today, i'm back to a 14/16. In America, i'm "averaged" size.. But in Singapore, i'm HUGE. Unfair, i know. That's life, so we either have to deal with it or live with it.

Therefore, if you are those kind who oggle at perfect beauties and wonder, why am i not like that? Remember, i'm beside you, oggling just the same. Haha. Let's get over it and work on ourselves. That's what  i'll do. No diet pills. Crash diets. Crazy workout routines. Just simple shifts in our lifestyle, towards a healthier and more meaningful one, with hopes of losing the pounds!

Someday.. i shall turn from this..

to this!!

I will get (near) there! haha! Let's get phat, yo! ;)

Sunshine and Smiles!

My baby will turn 4 months in 3 days.. Such a big boy he is now.. I'm truly blessed with such a happy baby!! Haris enjoys making him laugh and would do all sorts of funny things to make Ashayr smile.What a joy these two boys have been! Alhamdulillah.

Oh yes, i have no idea what "AGGIE" means, but it made Ashayr giggle. LOL. Nothing beats the feeling of seeing your baby smile and laugh. It melts the heart I tell you.. ;)

Dearest Ashayr.. you are growing up way too quickly.. Slow down a little so that Mama can truly enjoy every part of you growing up into a beautiful and adorable toddler. You bring so much happiness into our lives. Motherhood has been such a fabulous journey because I have such an AWESOME baby like you.. 

YOU ARE MY SUNSHINE AND SMILES! 

I love you my little baby boolat! =)

make it work!

Being back at work means lesser time for my baby. I'm still getting used to being away from Ashayr. I am truly blessed with such an amazing baby. I would describe him as a happy baby. Easy to handle and seldom cries. His smiley face is enough to take all the tiredness away after a long day.

I wish i have more than 24 hours in a day. I wish i could dedicate more time for my boys. Haris has been a wonderful big brother to Ashayr. He takes his role and responsibilities seriously. I am proud to have Haris look after Ashayr whenever i'm away at work. And i'm also thankful for my mother who seems much happier these days because of Ashayr. Kata orang, anak itu rezeki dan membawa kebahagiaan. How true. My family is more together nowadays. We are definitely happier. Alhamdulillah.

 The husband has exceeded my expectations when it comes to taking care of Ashayr. Since i'm the one who does night feedings, early mornings are for him to handle. I have to applaud him for his excellent skills in changing Ashayr's diapers and clean ups. Macam pro! hehe. And it's kinda adorable to see my husband baby talk once in a while (cos it sure didnt happen when we were dating! haha!). Sayang, you're an awesome husband and Abah! Thank you for everything that you have done for us. We truly appreciate it. Oh ya, we turned ONE as a couple on 1 Jan 2012. HAPPY ANNIVERSARY to us!!! =)

Ok, back to my point, as a mother, of course i would love to be there for my children. I want to be there when Ashayr starts flipping onto his tummy/ starts crawling/ taking his first steps/ hear him say "MAMA!".. I want to be there for all of the important moments in his life. But... i'm a working mum, and with that comes its limitations. Haiz. I know i would enjoy staying at home and taking care of the kids but i also know that i'd get bored and will feel down if i don't put my brain and body to good use. When i'm home, i think about working and making money. When i'm at work, i think about spending time with my boys. So, how like that?

 Life is just magical. They way Allah has written your path, is a beautiful mystery. I've been at the crossroads one time too many. But, HE has often shown me the way. For now, i shall enjoy each passing moment as a working mother before something else comes along. Something better, hopefully.. Insya'Allah. (I secretly wish to live the tai-tai life, but that definitely won't happen anytime soon lorrr!!! )

Ahhhh... Nikmat betul kehidupan berumahtangga. Semua yang dibuat terasa senang dan tenang. Bahagia itu timbul bila kita dapat membahagiakan orang yang kita sayang. Masya'Allah. Now i'm that i'm married, i don't ever want to go back to being single, because i have found my soulmate and am blessed with wonderful sons. Just to go slightly off tangent, now that i have two boys, let's aim for TWO girls and we close shop ok!  haha!! But! not anytime soon!!! =PP

Life is gooooood cos you just need to MAKE IT WORK! 

Enjoy these random pictures! =)

Us on our Anniversary and a nice lunch at Sofra after our Sunday religious class. ;)

The BIG Brother, coaxing the little one to pose... 

Abang Haris & my boolat boy at Explorer Kids! 

Us, at Universal Studios... 

My two boys having a conversation! ;)

Thank you Allah for giving me the opportunity to care and love these wonderful people. Thank you for blessing me with their love and presence. Thank you for another day, to be a wife, mother and daughter. YOU are indeed GREAT. 

Till next time my loves! =)

bye 2011. hello 2012.

So here goes my last entry of the year...

In 2011...

I got married on 1 January.

Haris started primary 1 on 3 January.

I went to Sri Lanka for my honeymoon on 3 February.

I found out I was pregnant on 14 February.

We got to know that I’m carrying a baby boy on 23 may.

I celebrated my 27th birthday as a married woman on 18 June.

We welcomed our firstborn son on 12 October.

Ashayr went for his first family holiday to KL on 27 December.

These might just be dates to some people, but each of it holds a very significant meaning to me. God plans out your life such. 2011 has been an amazing roller coaster ride for me. I enjoyed its ups and downs. Some corners were rough while some bends were smoother. An exhilarating ride it has been.

Marriage and motherhood has taught me to grow up and love unselfishly. It’s no longer just about me, but also people around me, especially those whom I love. A year went by so quickly and I barely got to breathe and absorb the entire situation. At times, I still can’t believe I’m married and that I gave birth to a beautiful little human being. 2011 is just too significant for my 27 years of existence on earth. 2011, you have been great but it's time to move on.

So, what do i want for 2012? Simple. I hope to find myself and be closer to the Almighty. It's time to rediscover my passion, make a difference and be a happier person than before. I give too much that i have nothing left for ME. 2012 shall be done differently, insya'allah.

For what lies ahead, let's pray for strength and courage to be a better person than before, to be able to weather the storm and the strong winds ahead, to be a wiser person when choices cross our paths, to be a responsible human being for ourselves and those around us, to live this life the best way we can.

May ALLAH be with us in everything that we put our hearts and minds into. Amin.

Goodbye 2011. Welcome 2012. =)

Khair Ashayr

They say a child is a gift from God. A child changes your life forever. How true. For nine months, I carried a little human being inside me. It is an experience only a mother can appreciate and for that, I’m truly blessed and thankful to the one above. 

On 12 October, after battling with labour pains for almost 12 hours, my son was delivered via an emergency c-section at 1215am. I was on general anesthesia and only got to see my baby at 130am. I must say that it took me a while to realize that this baby just came out from my stomach. I was still groggy from the anesthesia and painkillers and therefore, was still pretty much confused from the whole occasion. I was overwhelmed with all sorts of emotions. 


On the same day, visitors started pouring in at 10am. For those who came, I’m sorry if I couldn’t entertain you as much as I’d love to. The pain was just too overwhelming and the painkillers were making me extremely groggy. But, both my husband and I are very grateful for your presence in celebrating our son’s birth into this world. Thank you to our family members, friends, colleagues and acquaintances for your presence, gifts and contributions. Thank you also to my facebook and twitter friends for your well wishes. Hisham and I are grateful and thankful to know that there are so many who care. So, thank you again. =) 


This is our son. 
Mohamed Khair Ashayr Bin Mohamed Hisham. 
He weighs 3.7kg at birth and is 52 cm long. 

Khair means “blessings, wealth, benevolence and goodness” while Ashayr means “wise and knowledgeable”. Like most parents, we do want the best for our son and prays that he grows up to be a great man. Insya’Allah we will provide him with all that he needs, especially unconditional love and care. Ashayr is our wonderful little blessing. Tomorrow he turns exactly a month old. It has been a rollercoaster ride for me so far, both physically and emotionally. This whole mother hood experience has taught me a lot of patience.

The adaptation process was quite challenging. The lack of sleep, the pain from the operation, the inability to move around as much as I used to, the crying of the baby and not knowing what’s wrong, all these has made me a better mother , wife and woman. We learn to give wholeheartedly. We learn to love this little person without expecting anything in return. We learn to care and provide for the baby because that is what mothers are supposed to do. Motherhood is an amazing learning journey.

 Now that I’ve settled and become more adapted to the feeding and sleeping routine, I can function better even with little rest. I’m getting used to the routine and I do hope that it will get easier in time. The baby blues that I had in the beginning is starting to fade away. I shall embrace this new role and take it on with pride. I'm loving motherhood and i foresee a fulfilling role ahead. Ashayr has been such an angel and easy to take care of. Alhamdulillah. 


 Before i end this entry, here are some pictures taken by Zaki Razali, an upcoming artistic photographer. These amazing shots were taken at the comfort of my house and Ashayr was exactly 3 weeks old. =)

Ashayr, we love you more than words can say. 

Come what may, we shall be with you.  Insya'Allah. 

We love you, son. 

counting down...

hey baby...

we are counting down days before your arrival.

mama & abah are getting (just a little) impatient.

BUT, don't hurry yourself. take your time.

come out only when you're ready.

we will wait and welcome you into this world with love.



we cant wait to stare at your cute little face... to stare and admire your tiny hands and feet... to "romos-romos" and kiss you all over cos you will be the cutest thing we've ever created.





till the day we see you... stay healthy and come out safely (and quickly!).. heee..

Love,
Mama & Abah

over 37 weeks!

alhamdulillah, i'm still doing very good so far. hari raya as a wife has been fulfilling and very meaningful. to be heavily pregnant and celebrating it at the same time was quite a challenge, but i'm glad that the husband is a very understanding man.

let's see.. i'm now over 37 weeks and have already gained 14 kg which is ALOT. there are moments where i feel so bloated cos the baby is taking up so much space in my tummy. it seems like the baby is a very active one, squirming around continuously for 20 to 30 mins each time. the baby's head is already engaged since 35 weeks and i can feel the pressure each time i walk. i tell myself to bear with the uncomfortable feeling and NOT waddle. jalan mesti steady. hee..

at this point, i still feel no pain or any irregular contractions. the braxton hicks come and go and lasts for very short periods. should i be worried? hmmm. no actually. i'm more impatient now cos i cant wait to see our baby. =)

last weekend, i did my last show for WARNA this year. my chance to be on stage for the final time before i go for my maternity leave soon. some have asked if i have popped cos they haven't been hearing me on radio or see me on TV. well, not yet. the baby still prefers my tummy for now. heee..

i still feel overwhelmed at times about this whole pregnancy and motherhood deal. are we really ready for it? will i survive labour? what kind of mother would i be? how will i cope with my body after delivery? so many questions and what ifs? however, at the end of the day, i'm glad to have an amazing partner who understands and does his best to make sure things are alright.

hisham has been beyond amazing from the start. he takes care of me and the baby really well. he does his best to provide me with everything that i need to get through this pregnancy. thank you Sayang for being the best partner i can ever have. bestfriends forever, ok? ;)

enough of words. here are some random pictures from here and there over the last few weeks. enjoy!


we went GOLD for the first day of raya...


konon-konon fun shot. lol.


my adorable cousin-in-law, amni.


growing (horizontally) together.. heee..

my second cousin's wedding on 5th syawal!

at Diah's place for raya. =)

with make up artist, Illya, who did my face for WARNA RAYA FIESTA.

exactly 37 weeks pregnant!

syah's and ab shaik's attempt to mimic the two pregnant djs of warna.. syah was me and shaik was zaza, carrying twins. funny or what! lol.

spot the two pregnant djs...

with ex-radio presenters, all the way from 1957 to present day. it was indeed such an honour to have met them. i'm humbled. =)

+++

so there you have it. a summary of what's been going on for the past couple of weeks. it has been a great and fulfilling journey so far. i do not know what lies ahead but that is the beauty of what we call "the future". i'm sure better things await. this little human being inside me has been a blessing and i look forward to receiving it into the world, soon.

meanwhile, your kind prayers are all i seek for a safe delivery and a beautiful, healthy baby... till next time! =)

am i good enough?

"Faith and doubt go hand-in-hand, they are complementaries. One who never doubts will never truly believe" - Hermann Hesse, German-Swiss poet, novelist, and painter

have you ever had self-doubt & faith and the same time? it's hard to explain but it's like doubting your abilities and capabilities, as well as having faith, just knowing you're good enough for something bigger.

self-doubt is present in everyone. socially, emotionally, spiritually, behaviorally, and financially. self-doubt occurs when we believe that a future action will not bring a desirable outcome, that it won't bring the right result, or may make us feel foolish, threatened or judged. if we assume these thoughts and outcome predictions as being real and allow them to command our actions, they disable us and prevent us from doing something that we otherwise would like to do or feel driven to achieve.

i'm often faced with many personal battles. my hearts says i'm amazing but my brain tells me otherwise. i challenge my thoughts and at the end of the day, it boils down to how i manage this self-doubt. what i've learnt is never to underestimate my own abilities. listen to your inner voice and just know that bigger things await. i do admit that there are times where i would feel threatened or intimidated whenever i see someone else doing better than me. i'm not jealous but would rather question myself. as to where do i stand if placed besides these successful individuals.

after much analysing, i know that i'm doubting myself too much. i can never be these people but i can only be the best ME that i can ever be. self-doubt is a thought, and we can control our thoughts! so what is preventing us from changing that thought, or being aware of it then disarming it, or at least taking action in the opposite direction to what it is telling us?

so let's change our thoughts and put aside self-doubt because faith keeps us strong in pursuing our goals and dreams. just believe that we are all meant for something bigger. that God created us for a purpose. insya'allah, things will fall into place and makes more sense....

at this point, there are moments when i doubt my ability to cope with this last trimester. my previous two trimesters have been amazingly great and suddenly, i now have to learn how to cope with the changing body image which can be emotionally challenging... but i know that i will get through this. i need to learn how to love this new body shape of mine. i know it will all go away after labour if i continue putting in effort to live a healthy lifestyle.. insya'allah..



go away you self-doubt! shoo!